Sunday, November 01, 2009
I shall write a post about leaving NY now , since I know in a few days time I would end up flustering myself over UK packing/HP scholarship application/Bro's birthday/People's birthdays/everything else I have to do before I go off and stuff.
I started these 4 years happy, mostly innocent, but full of aims and short-term goals. Or at least at that time, I thought 4 years was long, insanely long. Obviously, I was wrong. I had no aims in debate though, neither did I aim for much (specifically) academically, which was probably related to my lack of CCA involvement in psch, or the fact that GEP left me with very sensible standards of my relative position, and seeing 70s was relatively normal. Nowadays I end up aimless, which is unsettling, to a certain degree. I'm supposed to stare at the question of what/who I want to be when I grow up, to which I have no answer. How?
As they say, all the things that mattered to you, suddenly don't matter to you anymore. It mattered a lot that I ended up in Council Exco. It mattered a lot that I would end up somewhere at the top of my batch. I dare not say what I've told people about Council here, because it would bring back too much, evoke too much, but on the latter, I've taken it way easier than the way it was before. I guess we get used to it.
HP was another turning point. I remember not bearing to lose the thirteeners, being part of a bunch of people I knew I could talk about shitloads of stuff to. I remember never feeling like I fit in, because I always ran back next door. I still miss you guys loads, but dynamics have changed, and I'd rather not be stuck in the middle. Academics have all caught up with us, and suddenly our focuses all change. Or maybe it's just because I'm not quite out of EOY mood yet. Because of HP though, the voice of the lion became so much louder it deafened, and perhaps it shaped how I dealt with my upper secondary life, for better or for worse.
I spent many good days of these four years finding myself, or at least what I could explain that phrase to be. I've hopped around different personalities, standing on so many different sides of this chess game we call 'growing up', taking different sides as we move along, but now I guess I've learnt to accept myself so much more. Pleasing people becomes less important, even more so as I move on to another chapter of this life, and I sincerely hope it's all been steps in the right direction.
I don't regret most things, because most things I've done, I've done with sound advice from people I believe in, and trust. I've grown a lot emotionally, thanks to too many buckets full of tears, and times where I just chose to risk things on impulse, and too many phonecalls. Okay in short, grown stronger, grown smarter, grown prettier, grown fatter. 4 years.
I'm kinda tired, actually.
I started these 4 years happy, mostly innocent, but full of aims and short-term goals. Or at least at that time, I thought 4 years was long, insanely long. Obviously, I was wrong. I had no aims in debate though, neither did I aim for much (specifically) academically, which was probably related to my lack of CCA involvement in psch, or the fact that GEP left me with very sensible standards of my relative position, and seeing 70s was relatively normal. Nowadays I end up aimless, which is unsettling, to a certain degree. I'm supposed to stare at the question of what/who I want to be when I grow up, to which I have no answer. How?
As they say, all the things that mattered to you, suddenly don't matter to you anymore. It mattered a lot that I ended up in Council Exco. It mattered a lot that I would end up somewhere at the top of my batch. I dare not say what I've told people about Council here, because it would bring back too much, evoke too much, but on the latter, I've taken it way easier than the way it was before. I guess we get used to it.
HP was another turning point. I remember not bearing to lose the thirteeners, being part of a bunch of people I knew I could talk about shitloads of stuff to. I remember never feeling like I fit in, because I always ran back next door. I still miss you guys loads, but dynamics have changed, and I'd rather not be stuck in the middle. Academics have all caught up with us, and suddenly our focuses all change. Or maybe it's just because I'm not quite out of EOY mood yet. Because of HP though, the voice of the lion became so much louder it deafened, and perhaps it shaped how I dealt with my upper secondary life, for better or for worse.
I spent many good days of these four years finding myself, or at least what I could explain that phrase to be. I've hopped around different personalities, standing on so many different sides of this chess game we call 'growing up', taking different sides as we move along, but now I guess I've learnt to accept myself so much more. Pleasing people becomes less important, even more so as I move on to another chapter of this life, and I sincerely hope it's all been steps in the right direction.
I don't regret most things, because most things I've done, I've done with sound advice from people I believe in, and trust. I've grown a lot emotionally, thanks to too many buckets full of tears, and times where I just chose to risk things on impulse, and too many phonecalls. Okay in short, grown stronger, grown smarter, grown prettier, grown fatter. 4 years.
I'm kinda tired, actually.